Nobody likes to see loved ones hurting. Invariably, we consider that our part in the matter is to help stop the hurting. That is a normal and good instinct. However, what if the hurt is being caused by the loved one’s own choices? What then?
If we focus on the hurt instead of the behaviors that cause the hurt, we actually increase the long-term pain. Here’s what I mean: a person loses his job and family due to his drug use and ends up homeless. He decides to move back in with his mom & dad, who let him because they can’t stand to see him homeless. However, he doesn’t deal with the cause of his homelessness and continues to use drugs. Did the parents help? No. In fact they have actually interfered with the natural consequences that could have motivated him to quit his drug use. Their actions are likely to lead to further, more serious pain –and even death.
To be effective at helping addicted men (& women) move from bondage to freedom requires that we are strong enough, ourselves, to handle the pain of seeing those, whom we care about deeply, go through the natural consequences of their choices. We must help them with the problem not just the pain the problem causes.
Mostly, what helps addicted men to face their problems is to coach and cheer-lead them through what ever pain their choices have caused and urge them to get help, but don’t try to remove their pain directly.
In my own addiction, my recovery might have begun five years earlier than it did if the well meaning, misguided people around me would have let me experience the pain my decisions caused. Instead they rescued me from the pain, which enabled me to continue in my addiction even longer.
- Aaron Eggers, Men’s Ministries
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